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Marlon Brando Was A Perfect Man


Fantasy Football Dos And Don'ts Week 11

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As we reach the home stretch, it's time to panic. Panic!!!

DON'T Forget That Joe Flacco's Middle Name Is Still "Mediocre"

DON'T Forget That Joe Flacco's Middle Name Is Still "Mediocre"

Image by Nick Wass / AP

I know, I know: Joe Flacco had 29 points last week, the most in the league. I don't care. Flacco still overthrows open receivers, breaks down at crucial moments, and generally fails to compete the types of passes that guys like Matt Ryan and Aaron Rodgers make regularly. Now, does he suck like Mark Sanchez and Matt Cassel suck? No. But in the four weeks before last, Flacco scored 6, 13, 5, and 12 points. And his successful games before that came against two of the league's worst passing defenses, the Patriots and the Browns, as did his more recent high-scoring outing at the expense of the Raiders. Expect Flacco to flatline this week vs. Pittsburgh, unless the sheer horribleness of the Steelers' Byron Leftwich-helmed offense means that the Ravens have the ball for 45 minutes.

DO Get On The Matt Stafford Train

DO Get On The Matt Stafford Train

Image by Stephen Lovekin / Getty Images

Hi Matt Stafford. We forgive you for that slow start this season. After three TDs in two of your last three games, we're back on the Stafford train, where everyone's equipped with a red Solo cup and a popped collar. Stafford had both of those high-scoring games against solid defenses (Seattle and Minnesota), and this week he takes his show on the road to Green Bay, which has been getting picked on through the air lately. If you started Joe Flacco over him, I will personally come to your house and laugh at you and throw Cheetos at your face. Ha ha, you're a Cheetoface!


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Ludacris'"What's Your Fantasy," Told By Cats

Chris Christie Criticizes Mayors, Storm Reporters On "Saturday Night Live"

11 Reasons Fantasy Football Is Super Dumb And We Shouldn't Even Bother Anymore

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Enough is enough is Enough (is a bad Jennifer Lopez movie). Why do we put ourselves through all this pointless frustration?!?

This guy was fine until fantasy football drove him to stab pins into his face.

Image by Ben Margot / AP

It's that time of year. Days are shorter. Winter is beginning to set in. You're ready to quit fantasy football forever, and you really mean it this time. Each and every November, millions of fantasy football players begin to feel their seasons (and their preseason buy-ins) slip away. Sundays cease to be days of rest and become days of furious anger and desperate howls to god (or Peyton Manning) to just help you win this damn stupid game. It's not worth it. It's time we band together and just quit. Here are some of the many reasons why.

Trading Doug Martin Only To Watch Him Turn Into Doug "HOLY HELL, WATCH HIM GO" Martin

Trading Doug Martin Only To Watch Him Turn Into Doug "HOLY HELL, WATCH HIM GO" Martin

This has happened to all of us. You trade a promising young guy who has yet to have a truly transcendent game. Then BOOM. Young guy explodes in an orgy of fantasy points. This year's case study: Doug Martin.

In one of my fantasy leagues I traded the Tampa Bay rookie for LeSean McCoy. The trade seemed like a no-brainer. Sure, Martin had upside, but he'd yet to show himself as a definitive number-one running back. Meanwhile, McCoy is a feature back. You know what happend next. Doug Martin turned in a 251-yard game with four touchdowns. That's good for 51 points in a standard fantasy football league. It's also good for a sore hand from punching a wall.

Image by Marcio Jose Sanchez / AP

Getting Beat By A Defense

Getting Beat By A Defense

Defenses in fantasy football are usually talked about as a joke. Anyone who picks one too high in your draft is laughed out of the room and mocked for months. But then there comes that fateful night when you're winning your matchup by 14 points and all your opponent has left to play is his defense. You feel pretty good about it, only to watch the Bears put up 350 points on 17 interception returns for touchdowns. And then you have to have a conversation with your foreign-born neighbors who want to know why you're screaming, and then you have to explain the idea of fantasy football to them and it sounds so stupid when you say it out loud and they act sympathetic but you know they're just filing it away as a reason they made a mistake in emigrating to this fast-declining country. They should have just moved to Shanghai like their uncle said.

Image by Jonathan Daniel / Getty Images


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41 Delicious Vegan Thanksgiving Recipes

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Hey, so I'm pretty sure Thanksgiving is coming up pretty soon? If you or your guests are vegan or vegetarian, you'll need something delicious for said herbivores to eat. Here are some such things! Enjoy!

Black Rice Phyllo Tarts

Black Rice Phyllo Tarts

LINK: Get The Recipe

Creole Spiced Butternut Squash & Sweet Potato Soup With Vegan Parmesan Croutons

Creole Spiced Butternut Squash & Sweet Potato Soup With Vegan Parmesan Croutons


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Israeli Ambassador Deletes Tweet Signaling Willingness To Sit Down With Hamas

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Blames a staffer for “erroneously” sending the Tweet.

Image by

The Israeli Ambassador to the United States deleted a tweet Saturday evening in which he said Israel would be willing to sit down with Hamas if they stopped firing at Israel.

"Just appeared on the set of #CNN: #Israel willing to sit down with #Hamas -- if they just stop shooting at us," Ambassador Michael Oren said in a now-deleted tweet.

Oren followed up on his deletion, blaming the mistake on a staffer.

"Correction: the earlier tweet about my CNN interview was sent erroneously by a staffer," he said.

The deleted tweet Oren attributed to a staffer appeared to be a paraphrase of a comment he made during his CNN interview where he said, while not mentioning Hamas directly, that Israel would be willing to sit down and negotiate.

"The people, and the government, and the State of Israel want peace with their neighbors. We are willing to sit down and negotiate with them, if they are willing to sit down and negotiate with us. Everything's on the table. We sign on to the two-state solution we're committed. Just stop shooting at us," Oren told CNN's Don Lemon.

Update A spokesman for the Israeli Ambassador emails "Ambassador Oren signaled in his interview our willingness to sit with our Palestinian neighbours - not with Hamas."

A longer clip of Oren's interview.

Source: youtube.com

The 8 Best Twinkie eBay Listings

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As you all know, the liquidation of Hostess has ushered in the end of the world. Fortunately, I've found eight eBay sellers who are willing to sate your need for delicious mouth gold … for a price.

1. Sweet Mouth Gold

1. Sweet Mouth Gold

Shove it in your mouth!

2. New Lungs

2. New Lungs

If this turns out to be real, I'm going to feel really bad for laughing.

3. For the zombie apocalypse

3. For the zombie apocalypse

4. Collector grade

4. Collector grade

At least it's uneaten...but once the zombies arrive, our standards may lower.


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The Definitive Guide To Surviving Black Friday

Why Republicans Want Mitt Romney To Go Away

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Romney will carry the party's baggage off stage. “Toxic assets” into the bad bank of Mitt.

Image by Brian Snyder / Reuters

Ten days after at least some Republicans were surprised to see Mitt Romney lose the presidency, the candidate is gone without a trace.

There appears to be no Romney Republicanism to propagate. No Romney strategy to emulate. No Romney technology to ape. No generation shaped by his failed effort. And no Romney infrastructure to inherit, though he may still be asked to write and bundle quite a few checks. Romney's bewildering post-election explanations of his defeat — Obama, he said, had bought off Americans — drew almost universal condemnation from leaders of his party, but the comments were more excuse than cause; party figures from Ari Fleischer to Bobby Jindal appeared to be waiting to kick Romney to the side of the road. The candidate did them a favor when he complained that Democrats had simply bought off young people and minority voters, a churlish line that erased any lingering Republican affinity for him as, when all else failed, a good-hearted guy.

Romney is being erased with record speed from his party's books for three reasons. First, many Republicans backed him because they thought he had a good chance of winning; that appeal, obviously, is gone. Second, Romney had shallow roots, and few friends, in the national Republican Party. And those shallow roots have allowed Republicans to give him a new role: As a sort of bad partisan bank, freighted with all the generational positions and postures that they are looking to dump.

"Romney is now a toxic asset to unload," the historian Jack Bohrer remarked Saturday. "The only interesting thing left to his story is how they dispose of him."

The simplest reason for Romney's quick fadeout is that his central promise was that he could win. He delivered immense fundraising prowess and ideological flexibility. He was never going to win partisan hearts like the two iconic, beloved losers of his father's generation, Barry Goldwater and George McGovern.

"This is ever the sad fate of the 'electability' candidate who fails to get elected," tweeted Red State editor Dan McLaughlin.

But other electability candidates have not been subject to the sort of forced amnesia already washing over Romney. John Kerry and John McCain both faced, perhaps, even more bitter recriminations on questions of tactics and strategy from inside their parties —but they returned to important Senate roles, positions of respect in Washington and in their parties, and Kerry may join the next Cabinet.

Other losers can draw, similarly, on deep wells of loyalty at high levels of the party structure. Bob Dole and Walter Mondale got crushed by the last two-term incumbents to serve two terms. They faded fast from the American public imagination, too. But they also retook their seats on the party dais. Mondale, a former Vice President with deep ties to a key constituency, organized labor, became his party's Senate nominee after Paul Wellstone died in 2002. Dole, a beloved war hero and longtime party soldier, received the Medal of Freedom from Bill Clinton in 1997, and was appointed by George W. Bush to chair a commission a decade later.

Romney was a party outsider who bought his way in. The campaigns he came up working for — his father's — operated in the essentially defunct moderate Republican tradition he abandoned, though a few of its stragglers staffed his headquarters in ... Boston. Much of his inner circle consisted of people whose loyalty was to Romney, not to his party or even his platform; that was also true of his most enthusiastic volunteers.

Now Republicans don't even seem to want to pile on Romney. Karl Rove and the SuperPAC infrastructure have absorbed as much disgust from donors and activists as Romney's campaign, which found a message in the fall after a dismal summer. Recriminations, such as they are, have focused on the collapse of a glorified digital list called Orca. Republicans just want to forget Romney.

That's because many of the Republican Party's leaders are, in fact, eager to change. Parties and politicians pivot faster than their friends or enemies ever imagine, and the Republican Party of Bobby Jindal and Marco Rubio is pivoting very fast. And for all the reasons that Romney is easy for Republicans to forget, he offers them thy ideal sacrifice. Conservatives were always too fond of Barry Goldwater to write him off as the "extremist" Democrats successfully cast him as; they never liked Mitt Romney anyway, and will gladly remember him for his most odious comments.

There is an irony that Romney, the moderate, will be forced to carry off Todd Akin's baggage on reproductive rights; Joe Arpaio's on immigration; and James Dobson on gay rights. But when he cast popular policies as "gifts" to Obama voters (ignoring both his and Obama's expensive promises to older voters), his decision to, as Bobby Jindal put it, "insult" the demographic groups who are a larger part of each successive electorate offered the Republicans the pivot they had been looking for toward presenting a younger, more diverse, and more inclusive party.

Now Romney's own party will gladly let him, and his reputation, carry off the values for which he is only now, for the first time, really the spokesman.

Old Photos Of Aziz Ansari With "The Hills" Cast Are Amazing

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The photos were found on his Facebook from back in the Human Giant days. Ansari, Paul Scheer, and Rob Huebel went to a party for MTV's The Hills and got some fantastic photos from the event.

With Speidi:

Via: facebook.com

With Brody Jenner (and Joe Francis):

Via: facebook.com

With Audrina and Whitney:

Via: facebook.com

With Justin Bobby:

Via: facebook.com


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Robert Griffin III Has A Howitzer For An Arm

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In the course of the Redskins' 31-6 shellacking of the miserable Eagles, RGIII threw two passes that need to be seen to be believed.

The first came a few minutes into the second quarter. Griffin winds up and bombs the pass downfield to a wide-open Aldrick Robinson.

The first came a few minutes into the second quarter. Griffin winds up and bombs the pass downfield to a wide-open Aldrick Robinson.

RGIII releases the ball from his own 42-yard-line.

RGIII releases the ball from his own 42-yard-line.

And it's caught two or three yards into the end zone, meaning that the pass traveled about 60 yards in the air.

And it's caught two or three yards into the end zone, meaning that the pass traveled about 60 yards in the air.

Here's video of the play, which put Washington up 14-3.

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Image by


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"Gangnam Style" Is In American Karaoke Now

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This is a public service announcement.

It's here!

It's here!

"Gangnam Style" was always going to end up in karaoke, but there were a lot of questions. Would it be located in English karaoke books, or would you need to dig up the Korean book? Would the lyrics be presented phonetically in English? Would it be available in time for holiday parties?

Here's the good news:

Here's the good news:

It is now widely available in English karaoke books.

However...

However...

The lyrics are entirely in Korean characters and there are no backing vocal tracks whatsoever, so unless you know the song inside and out and/or know Korean, you are doomed to mess this up. But if you're willing to improvise and dance around shamelessly, it could be a lot of fun. (This is true of most karaoke experiences.)

Okay, not entirely in Korean...

Okay, not entirely in Korean...

See, there's some English! Even still, this is a time for Korean speakers to shine – after I shared this exciting news on Instragram, a friend informed me that her coworker performed it in Korean the night before and "brought the house down."


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"Mad" Magazine Examines General Petraeus' Medals

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12 year-olds will get a laugh.

Where are the "surge" "pull-out" jokes?

Much funnier was Mad's reimagining of a famous New Yorker cover that mocked Apple Maps.

Source: madmagazine.com

Nine-Year-Old Football Star Samantha Gordon Tackled A Hall-Of-Famer Today

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Sam Gordon, who's dominating her boys' football league , went on NFL GameDay and showed Warren Sapp and Marshall Faulk what's up.

Sam Gordon's the coolest. After rising to fame for dominating a boys' football league as her team's quarterback, the nine-year-old went on NFL GameDay to have her game tape broken down by Steve Mariucci, Rich Eisen, Warren Sapp, and Marshall Faulk.

Former coach Steve Mariucci was particularly excited to see her, and generally acted like a clown / patted her head.

Former coach Steve Mariucci was particularly excited to see her, and generally acted like a clown / patted her head.

Let's see that head pat again. That's a serious head pat.

Let's see that head pat again. That's a serious head pat.

Sam was having the time of her life, pretty much.

Sam was having the time of her life, pretty much.

Her best quote? When they asked if she liked defense or offense best, Sam said defense, "Because I'm the smallest one out there, plus I'm a girl and I'm tackling all the biggest guys." What do the guys say when she tackles them? "They don't say anything — they kind of just get up and walk away."


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Worlds Fastest Piano Juggler

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Well, this is a surprising skill for someone to have.

15 Things We Can All Agree On

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We may be divided by politics and Twilight , but here are some things everyone can agree on.

Via

A Day At The Mall In 2001

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Don't act like you never got kicked out of a Spencer's…

School's out for the day... what are you going to do now? Obvi, you're going to go to the mall.

School's out for the day... what are you going to do now? Obvi, you're going to go to the mall.

Source: flickr.com

Grab three of your friends! This is going to be fun.

Grab three of your friends! This is going to be fun.

Source: labelscar.com

Let's go to Yankee Candle and smell the candles!

Let's go to Yankee Candle and smell the candles!

Source: shopmacarthur.com

Almost asphyxiate on scented tarts! Let's get out of here.

Almost asphyxiate on scented tarts! Let's get out of here.

Source: upload.wikimedia.org


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Very Unfortunate Magazine Ad Juxtaposition

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Well, poop.

"Power Move," alright. After I run, this does happen occasionally.
Image Via.

8 Pizza Delivery Instructions To Make Your Day

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Not since the time of the Ninja Turtles have we seen such creativity and heroism from our pizza delivery people. Time to go order some pizza!

The Pokemon Master

The Pokemon Master

Via: 9gag.com

The Philosoraptor

The Philosoraptor

Via: 9gag.com

An Epic Dragon-Flamingo Fight

An Epic Dragon-Flamingo Fight

Via: 9gag.com

When No One Knows How To Draw

When No One Knows How To Draw

Via: 9gag.com


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