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We Finally See That Mysterious "Gilmore Girls" Character In The Revival

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It’s been 84 years… (Warning: Spoilers within, obvs.)

We were left with many unanswered questions after the 2007 Gilmore Girls series finale, but none loomed larger than one: Where the fuck was Mr. Kim all these years?

We were left with many unanswered questions after the 2007 Gilmore Girls series finale, but none loomed larger than one: Where the fuck was Mr. Kim all these years?

Warner Bros. Television

He was referred to multiple times over the course of the show, but we NEVER SAW HIM. We were left to assume he was a living spirit with no corporeal form.

He was referred to multiple times over the course of the show, but we NEVER SAW HIM. We were left to assume he was a living spirit with no corporeal form.

Warner Bros. Television

He didn't even walk Lane down the aisle at her wedding.

He didn't even walk Lane down the aisle at her wedding.

Warner Bros. Television

HOWEVER, in the second episode of the Gilmore Girls revival, "Spring," Lane and Rory are hanging out at the Stars Hollow International Festival, helping Mrs. Kim with the Korean food station.

HOWEVER, in the second episode of the Gilmore Girls revival, "Spring," Lane and Rory are hanging out at the Stars Hollow International Festival, helping Mrs. Kim with the Korean food station.

Netflix


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One Hundred Years Of Men Taking Off Their Shirts

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BuzzFeed News

When Sandow the Magnificent went backstage after a show in Washington, DC, the assembled group of senator’s wives and daughters began to tremble. Throughout his 1896 “exhibition” — a public affair, attended by hundreds, during which Sandow had displayed his formidable musculature through a series of poses and feats of strength — they’d kept their faces behind veils. Once backstage, they vowed never to reveal one another’s identities.

The women were nervous but eager, and when Sandow emerged from his ice bath and beckoned them close, wearing only a pair of tight pants, they followed his direction. He invited each woman to come up in turn to “examine” his muscles. “This at first they were loath to do,” the Washington Post reported, “touching the giant gingerly with gloved hands." One woman, practiced in the study of anatomy, began to name each muscle.

“We don’t do this often,” Flo Ziegfeld, who booked Sandow’s shows, explained. “But it’s often hard to refuse ladies. Sandow is always quite willing to oblige them.”

Today, this description could double for a group of women attending a screening of Magic Mike. And while part of the fascination with Sandow was sexual, an even larger portion derived from the spectacle of his powerfully muscled body — a rarity at the time. Sandow wasn’t the first “strongman,” but his celebrity coincided with both the rise of the moving image and continued anxiety over the effects of the industrial revolution on man’s physique and overall health.

Photos of Sandow, sold in “cabinet cards” for 35 cents, spread across the country, while a short film of him played on continuous loop in kinetoscope parlors across the globe. An exquisitely designed magazine, Sandow’s System of Physical Training, went through three printings. He was the first naked chest of the age of the moving image, and like so many naked chests over the next century, he was the right chest at the right time, a nudity that came to mean so much more than the sum of a belly button, some carefully cultivated chest hair, and pair of revealed nipples.

Look at a moment of prominent male shirtlessness and you’ll see a culture trying to sort out its “ideal” chest, but you’ll also observe standards for how men should behave and feel in public and in private, on the job and in the bedroom. When a celebrity takes off his shirt, whether it’s Marlon Brando in the '50s or Justin Bieber in the 2010s, he’s summoning ever-fluctuating currents of masculinity to the surface, to be read, appreciated, and analyzed.

Depending on the era, celebrity shirtlessness has served as an act (a declaration) and a reaction (a means of changing a pre-existing conversation). And after closely studying its public occurrence over the last century, those acts and reactions appear in cycles, like a never-ending feedback loop of naked chests. Each cycle generally starts, as with Sandow, with a declaration of masculinity against a backdrop of fear — that men, and society at large, is becoming feminized in some way. In those cases, shirtlessness provides proof of a robust, potent, masculinity. Once that anxiety is soothed, it’s countered by more emotive, vulnerable, far less terrified — even embracing — aspects of femininity. Sometime in the 1990s, that cycle explodes; as shirtlessness proliferates, its capacity to create meaning disappears.

It seems obvious that a man without a shirt in a national magazine, a widely distributed film still, or viral image on the internet is sending a message about masculinity. What’s less obvious, however, is how those messages have changed — and in an era seemingly saturated with shirtlessness, how much they communicate about the desperate need for masculinity to forcefully, aggressively, unceasingly reassert itself.

When Rudolph Valentino died — suddenly, at age 31 — thousands of women descended upon his funeral, where they provided the archetype for the screaming, overemotional, irrational female fan of the 20th century. The myth of his death has expanded to include the idea that women loved Valentino so intensely that many committed suicide after his death — and, because of that devotion, men came to despise him.

The reality of Valentino’s stardom, and how it incited both great delight and anxiety, is much more complicated — and involved, but did not start with, Valentino appearing shirtless. The Valentino that millions of women (and unheralded men) fell for was wearing a turban, his lids lined, his shirt unbuttoned in a deeply plunging V.

In 1921, Valentino played the titular role of The Sheik, a classic exotic romance with some messed-up gender politics that turned him into an overnight star. It quickly became clear that the bulk of the film’s audience was women — a point repeated in reviews, which then made (more) women go see it, more men stay away, and helped cement Valentino as an object of female desire.

Valentino wasn’t the first male idol — on stage, there had been “mashers,” or matinee idols, for decades; before Valentino, John Barrymore had earned the mantel of “The Greatest Lover Onscreen,” while Wallace Reid was venerated for his strength and handsomeness. But Valentino was more than handsome or romantic. He was sexy, in part because he was Italian — which, onscreen, meant he could play any number of exoticized Others. And while sex appeal should, in theory, make a star’s image more masculine, in Valentino’s case, it did just the opposite.

While sex appeal should, in theory, make a star's image more masculine, in Valentino's case, it did just the opposite.

The 1920s were a particularly volatile moment for representations of the male body: America was still recovering from the aftermath of World War I, which had sent back bodies and minds mangled and deformed; at the same time, the so-called “New Woman” was asserting economic and sexual freedoms. Strong, masculine bodies — like that of Douglas Fairbanks — provided a salve for those anxieties. But Valentino exacerbated them. As film historian Gaylyn Studlar points out, “American men interpreted Valentino not as an ‘athlete’ but as a ‘beauty,’ a decadent foreign specimen” who “confirmed the increasing effeminacy of men and the masculinity of women.” He was photographed in turbans and scarves; his house, photographed for the fan magazines, resembled a boudoir. He was a lover, not an action hero.

Part of the problem was Valentino’s past: He’d made his way to Hollywood by working as a “lounge lizard” and “taxi dancer” — that is, a guy who made ends meet by periodically getting paid to dance with women. That past was compounded by images of his present: Before the release of The Sheik, he had married set designer Natacha Rambova, an artist who, in addition to just generally asserting her independence, supposedly insisted that Valentino wear a gold "slave bracelet" at all times. In this light, it was easy to condemn Valentino for, as Studlar puts it, the “distinctly unmasculine goal of living off millions of female fans who packed the theaters to see him.”

This image was exacerbated in September 1922, when Valentino broke from his studio over artistic control, pay, and say over his future roles. What could have been construed as a masculine break from the machinery of the industry was instead viewed as Rambova controlling influence. Valentino sued for breach of contract; the studio won an injunction that prevented him from being onscreen. Cue: shirtlessness.

How to Keep Fit

Via archive.org

How You Can Keep Fit is essentially the 1923 version of Men’s Health. It was published by Macfadden Publications, which started in 1899 when Bernar Macfadden launched Physical Culture, a Sandow-like how-to magazine that combined tips for fitness, diet, and wellness. Much of the copy reads like any other self-help physical culture pamphlet, with phrases like “The man who is indifferent to his physical health is like a musical instrument that is out of tune” and “Keeping fit is the first law of a successful life." But it also works to frame Valentino and his work on the screen as labor: “It is very obvious that motion picture work requires the highest degree of physical vigor and athletic fitness,” Valentino writes.

But, he was still posing for photos — a pin-up — which, as culture scholar Richard Dyer points out, invokes the dynamic of the (active) looker and the (passive) subject. As a result, many male subjects — especially those for whom masculinity is in question — have attempted to diffuse the connotation of passivity by doing something in photos of them.

The vast majority of images thus depict Valentino in motion, in action, in control. But others, like this one (ostensibly of his back, highlighting the whole of his well-toned backside) feel like a pinup.

Sandow, on the left; Valentino, from How to Keep Fit, on the right

Library of Congress

Contrast it with a similar photo of Sandow: Neither are action shots, but in both, the muscles are flexed, highlighting the bodies’ potential for action. Sandow, however, appears like a piece of chiseled marble, an exemplar of the masculine form. By contrast, the image of Valentino is lit in a soft, romantic manner; his skin seems warm and glistening. He’s wearing more clothing than Sandow, yet somehow still seems more sexual.

Ultimately, Valentino’s re-masculating project in How to Be Fit fell apart under the heft of its purpose. The same thing happened with Monsieur Beaucaire, Valentino’s first onscreen appearance after his break with his studio, in which he plays a (periodically shirtless) member of French nobility, but spends the duration of the film in a wig, makeup, and very tight and lacy costumes. It happened yet again in the aftermath of the so-called “Pink Powder Puff Attack,” in which an anonymous Chicago Tribune writer, having found a “powder puff” dispensary in the men’s bathroom, penned an editorial decrying the increased use of makeup by men — which he attributed to Valentino. “It is time for matriarchy if the male of the species allows such things to persist,” the author exclaimed. “Better a rule by masculine women than by effeminate men.”

Monsieur Beaucaire, Rudolph Valentino, 1924

Courtesy Everett Collection

A furious Valentino challenged the unnamed author to a boxing match. The author failed to present himself, but Valentino publicized his training for the match, and was photographed, shirtless, in the ring. With no competitor, he boxed against journalist Frank O’Neill; in the weeks to come, he would celebrate his quasi-victory by appearing in various bars and restaurants, where he attempted to further demonstrate his masculine mettle at drinking, before falling suddenly ill and succumbing, at the age of 31, to complications resulting from severe gastric ulcers.

The masses of women crowding the streets of New York followed, and so too did the Valentino legend: of a man beloved by women, but also of one brought asunder by his attempts — many of them bare chested — to confirm his masculinity. That image would hover over the next 20 years of Hollywood, as dozens of swarthy male stars were introduced to the public with the question, "Is he the next Valentino?"

It was simple for the gossip press to declare Clark Gable, who first entered the studio system in the early ‘30s, as the heir to Valentino: A 1931 column wondered “Have the movies found, in Clark Gable, another Valentino? Every time Gable appears on the screen, an electric shock runs through all the female hearts for miles around.”

Like Valentino, Gable was framed as an object of girlish adoration: a piece in New Movie Magazine declared “outside of Valentino, no star but Clark Gable ... has appealed to so many women.” But even as the studios planted stories of his ability to attract women, they also labored to assure readers that men also loved him. “I have never heard a man say he did not like Clark Gable,” a three-page spread in Movie Classic proclaimed. “He may be the king of Great Lovers to the women, but he is also Hollywood’s most doughty and popular he-man!”

Just years after his death, Valentino had become one of the most iconic and beloved stars of Hollywood — but no studio or star wanted to reproduce his deeply feminized image.

Instead, the reliance on shirtlessness returned. For Gable, it shows up about halfway through It Happened One Night — a film that would go on to sweep the Academy Awards and launch him to stardom. In the scene, Gable and the bashful, proper Claudette Colbert are forced to share a hotel room, where he offers a monologue about undressing while undressing himself. The scene flips the usual norms of the gaze of cinema, which was succinctly described by art historian John Berger as “Men watch. Women watch themselves being watched.” In this scene, the audience watches as Gable himself is watched, quite closely, by Colbert’s assessing eye.

Via Columbia Pictures

Most of the incidents of filmic shirtlessness to that point had been utilitarian: a man in action, sporting, or swimming. But here was a modern man disrobing in front of a modern woman in a hotel room. Any potential feminization is undercut, however, by Gable’s broad shoulders and deep, booming voice — the sort that Valentino, who’d only appeared in silent films, could never use to declare his manliness. Gable had a swarthiness to him, but he was born in Ohio, not Italy: There was none of the feminized ethnic Other in him. Instead, he could be purely masculine — as Movie Classic declared, “Men sense sincerity in Clark Gable, a real interest and liking for the things that are men’s things.”

After It Happened One Night, no one dared call Gable a second coming of Valentino. From then on, fan magazine writers would compare new and upcoming stars to Gable himself. According to Hollywood lore, Gable’s lack of undershirt in the scene — an anomaly at the time — resulted in sales of undershirts plummeting 75%. This figure has no source, but the extent to which it has been repeated speaks to just how iconic the scene became.

Gable’s unrepentant masculinity in film became the cornerstone of his image — cemented, five years later, with his turn in Gone With the Wind and his service in the Air Force during World War II. Yet after the end of the war, Gable and the other aging greats of classic Hollywood would struggle to maintain their box office clout as a wholly different mode of acting, and emotive masculinity, came to the fore.

Courtesy Everett Collection

There were plenty of men who took off their shirts onscreen between Gable and Brando, but once you watch Brando do it in A Streetcar Named Desire, it’s difficult to keep them in mind. The high-waisted trousers, the broad shoulders, the wisps of chest hair — it’s all similar to Gable in It Happened One Night. But when Gable took off his (pressed, dress) shirt, it was done methodically — a businessman taking off his clothes before bed. By contrast, Brando’s shirt is stained with sweat and filth. He asks Vivian Leigh if she’s alright with him “getting comfortable” as his shirt sticks to him in the Southern heat. She turns away, but peeks back around after he’s flung his shirt away. The camera joins Leigh in lingering over his shirtless chest, his bulging biceps.

Brando had cultivated his body with this specific look in mind, working out daily at the gym to cultivate the physique that would best match the combustive masculinity of Stanley. Costume designer Lucinda Ballard shrunk Brando’s white T-shirts to fit tightly around his biceps — a dramatically different look than the loose-fitting white T-shirts most men wore, which extended nearly to the elbow. She also tailored his jeans while they were wet, pinning them especially close in his groin and ass area. Brando, for his part, refused to wear underwear. When he saw the completed look, he purportedly shouted, “This is it! This is what I’ve always wanted!”

Brando’s Streetcar physique was highlighted in various shades of undress in Julius Caesar and Viva Zapata!, but even when he remains fully clothed — as he did in both The Wild One and On the Waterfront — the memory of shirtlessness seeps through. There’s something different about the way the camera lingers on his body, similar to the way it lingered on Paul Newman’s body in The Long, Hot Summer. It feels shameless, in a way. This sort of shirtlessness wasn’t a momentary spectacle, but something around which entire narratives bended.

Paul Newman, shirtless

Bettmann / Bettmann Archive

How Satisfying Is Your Sex Life?

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Are you at 100% potential, or is there room for improvement?

When you answer a question, a new one will appear. There are 10 questions altogether. Ready?

When you answer a question, a new one will appear. There are 10 questions altogether. Ready?

BBC

Help Us Show What Anxiety Really Looks Like

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It’s not as simple as a stock photo of someone biting their nails.

More often than not anxiety has no external signs and the people suffering with it look just like everyone else.

Me, definitely feeling anxious in a sombrero.

instagram.com

Maybe you went to a party where you looked like you were having fun on the outside, but inside you were feeling the full effects of your anxiety.

Maybe you went to a party where you looked like you were having fun on the outside, but inside you were feeling the full effects of your anxiety.

Warner Bros. Television / Cartoon Network


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J.K. Rowling Sent A Harry Potter E-Book To A Girl In Aleppo

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The world-famous author arranged to have the books sent to Bana, a 7-year-old Syrian girl, who lives in the besieged city.

This is Bana. She's a 7-year-old girl. And she really likes Harry Potter after watching the films.

This is Bana. She's a 7-year-old girl. And she really likes Harry Potter after watching the films.

Bana Alabed / Via Twitter: @AlabedBana

Bana is just one of an estimated 10,000 children trapped in east Aleppo. The east of the city is still held by the rebels, despite being totally encircled since late July. Food is running out, there are only 30 doctors left, and the civilians in the city are on their knees.

George Ourfalian / AFP / Getty Images


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15 Clothing Charts That'll Change The Way You Dress

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Eat, drink, and be ready for selfies.

BuzzFeed / Andrew Richard

To pick your perfect outfit, figure out which colors look best together.

To pick your perfect outfit, figure out which colors look best together.

Whether you're stressing about a look for Thanksgiving, the office holiday party, or New Year's Eve, make mixing and matching super simple by pairing up the right hues.

paris-to-go.com

And stick to colors that make sense for the season.

And stick to colors that make sense for the season.

Look for shades that have darker undertones for the perfect holiday vibe.

kerriharrisfmp.wordpress.com

If you're looking to get *festive* with a plaid, make sure you know which one.

If you're looking to get *festive* with a plaid, make sure you know which one.

Knowing your plaids will make shopping SO much easier.

the-tweed-fox.tumblr.com


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17 Pics That Will Make People With Raynaud's Say "YUP!"

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Happy winter season!!! Not.

"Oh this? This is just a magic trick my fingers do when it gets a little cold out."

"Oh this? This is just a magic trick my fingers do when it gets a little cold out."

instagram.com

"Haha, no, I'm not transforming into a snow zombie, but thanks for asking!"

"Haha, no, I'm not transforming into a snow zombie, but thanks for asking!"

instagram.com

"Nothing to worry about, it's just my blood rushing to my heart because my body thinks I'm freezing to death."

"Nothing to worry about, it's just my blood rushing to my heart because my body thinks I'm freezing to death."

instagram.com

"Whoopsie-daisy. My fingers turned black again."

"Whoopsie-daisy. My fingers turned black again."

instagram.com


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Taylor Swift Had The Most Taylor Swift Thanksgiving Of All Time

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Happy Taysgiving, America!

Hi there! You're probably aware that every time an important holiday rolls around, Taylor Swift gathers key members of her #squad in order to celebrate. Here they are on the 4th of July:

Instagram: @taylorswift

Obviously, a professional photographer is usually present at these events to capture the #squad at their best and most natural. Here they are on Halloween, for example:

I, too, just naturally look this 🔥 when I am hanging out low-key with my friends.

Instagram: @taylorswift

So when Thanksgiving rolled around, we obviously all spent the entire day wondering whether Taylor would bless us with any holiday goals this year. And she DID NOT DISAPPOINT.

Instagram: @taylorswift

Tay and her family spent the day with supermodels Martha Hunt and Lily Donaldson and Broadway superstar Todrick Hall, as you do. Here they all are settling down for dinner:

Instagram: @todrick


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Lush's Factory Is The Most Mesmerizing Thing You'll See Today

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It’s like Willy Wonka’s for people who really love soap.

Friends, if you need to Chill The Fuck Out, watch this video about the mesmerizing moments at the LUSH factory, aka the place where dreams and bath bombs are made.

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Even if you don't like Lush (you're a monster if you don't but whatever!) the process of how soaps and lotions and cosmetics are made is zen AF.

Facebook: video.php

You're probs familiar with the Intergalactic Bath Bomb, which makes this beautiful galaxy artwork in your tub...

You're probs familiar with the Intergalactic Bath Bomb, which makes this beautiful galaxy artwork in your tub...

@jbnailsjessie / Via instagram.com

But the beauty really begins when this big ol' machine mixes tons of gold glitter with blue soap.

But the beauty really begins when this big ol' machine mixes tons of gold glitter with blue soap.

OMG

LUSH USA


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15 Reasons We Absolutely Need Another Season Of "Girl Meets World"

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The fate of this show is still in the air, and we’re not ready for it to be over just yet.

It teaches valuable life lessons.

It teaches valuable life lessons.

In only three seasons, Girl Meets World has taught many lessons, including fighting for what you believe in, honesty, peer pressure, and embracing what makes you unique — just to name a few.

Disney Channel / Via tumblr.com

It explores very mature topics.

It explores very mature topics.

Girl Meets World touches on very mature topics, such as abandonment, cyber bullying, cultural appropriation, anger issues, death, and autism.

Disney Channel / Via tumblr.com

It explains the importance of having hope.

It explains the importance of having hope.

This is an important message for a young viewing audience to always maintain optimism and to know that what's meant to be, will work out in the end.

Disney Channel / Via tumblr.com

It promotes tolerance and acceptance.

It promotes tolerance and acceptance.

In "Girl Meets I Am Farkle," autism is addressed in a respectable and informational way that professionals in the field have gone out of their way to recognize. What's even more important is how the characters react and want to learn about autism in order to accept those who may be different.

Disney Channel / Via tumblr.com


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13 Questions About Dogs, Answered With Science

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Prepare to be heartbroken, guys.

We asked our colleagues for their pressing canine questions, and then put them to dog expert and author of In Defence of Dogs (Penguin, 2011) John Bradshaw to get some answers. Here's what he told us.

"Do dogs get sad when their owners go to work and they're at home alone?"

"Do dogs get sad when their owners go to work and they're at home alone?"

It's bad news for dog owners who have to leave their pup at home during the day.

"They do get sad," says Bradshaw. "Dogs are very attached to humans. It's the way they live alongside us, by watching us and trying to work out all the time what we're thinking and what we're doing. When we're not there, they feel disoriented and anxious."

Different dogs will express this in different ways – Border collies tend to pace around because they're quite active, whereas Labradors are more likely to chew on things. "Each dog has a different way of expressing its distress – some will pace, some will howl, some will bark, some will scratch at the door or dig in the sofa," says Bradshaw.

Even if your dog just curls up and goes to sleep while you're out, seemingly peacefully, that doesn't mean they're not stressed.

In an experiment Bradshaw ran with Channel 4, he filmed dogs that were left at home during the day to see what they did. Dogs that didn't look stressed during the time their owner was out still had high levels of stress hormone in their urine. "It shows that the dog has come to learn there's nothing it can actually do to make the owner come back, but it's anxious and stressed all the time the owner's out," he says.

But all hope is not lost, because there's a training scheme, developed by Bradshaw and available from the RSPCA website, you can use to help your dog feel more at ease when you're not around.

Chase-clark / Getty Images

"Is there a scientific reason why puppies do that head tilt thing?"

"Is there a scientific reason why puppies do that head tilt thing?"

"It's a natural piece of dog behaviour," says Bradshaw. Sometimes they do it to hear better, but puppies also tilt their head to the side as they approach other puppies to indicate that they're playing.

Bradshaw says that dogs would probably grow out of tilting their head during play, but we could be reinforcing the behaviour by rewarding them for it.

"All dogs will repeat anything that they think will get our attention, particularly if it's the kind of attention they like," he says. "And so puppies learn quite early on that people make a fuss of them after they've done it, and so they'll keep doing it right the way through into adulthood."

Diego_cervo / Getty Images

"Do working dogs like guide dogs get stressed at work?"

"Do working dogs like guide dogs get stressed at work?"

"A lot of the stress in a dog's life comes from being outside of their comfort zone as far as what they're expecting to happen next," says Bradshaw. "That's why puppy-farmed puppies are constantly stressed, because early on they did not learn about the world."

But guide dogs get a lot of training to deal with situations they'll come across while at work. "Teaching a service dog what to do when they encounter something that scares them is part of the training for guide dogs," says Bradshaw.

So, as long as they've had the right training and get plenty of breaks, a service dog is actually much less likely to get stressed than any other dog.

Bobbymn / Getty Images


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15 Moms Who Won The Internet In 2016

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Get Ready, We Know The Age You Had Your First Kid And Their Sex Based On Your Eating Habits

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Take it, we know you’re tempted.

7 Instagram Posts That Are Worth Checking Out

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Best of the gram.

Black beauty.

Moshoodat Sanni, a 24-year-old makeup artist, created these images to showcase black beauty. This image and the many more in the project are so striking and definitely worth checking out.

Instagram: @moshoodat

Candid art.

Ruby Elliot, aka rubyetc, is a London-based illustrator who shares cartoons and illustrations about mental health and everyday life. Her work is funny, honest and very true.

Instagram: @rubyetc_

Cuteness overload.

This mother and daughter duo are goals. They wear matching outfits and take the cutest mirror selfies. Have a look at this, if you want to see more adorable kids dressed like their parents.

Instagram: @kweilz

Melanin magic.

Khoudia Diop is an Instagram star and rightly so. She was mocked about her skin colour for years, but she is now embracing all her glorious melanin.

Instagram: @melaniin


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19 Pictures Of What Heaven Looks Like, Probably

7 Things I Learned When I Got Breast Cancer

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What happened when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, aged 26.

Rebecca Hendin / BuzzFeed

The first time I went to see a doctor about the lump that had appeared in my right breast, I felt uncomfortable about the fact I was exposing myself to a stranger. I had all the body hangups of the average 26-year-old woman. I felt exposed. My bare chest and squidgy stomach were on display in front of a complete stranger. I laughed off the awkwardness of the situation, otherwise feeling incredibly relaxed about the mysterious mass my hand had brushed in the shower a few days earlier.

The second time I got my boobs out in front of a stranger, a surgeon at the hospital’s breast unit, I still felt more anxious about being laid bare in such a way than about what the lump could be. Until all this kicked off, I could have counted the people who had seen my chest in all its naked glory on one hand.

I knew I had cancer the fourth time I got my boobs out in front of a stranger. I’d been told just a few days earlier and this time, I found myself in front of a mammography machine. This time I cared significantly less about people seeing my boobs. This was no longer exploratory. This was real. This had just got serious.

These days, I’m so used to being prodded and poked that sometimes I get the Artist Formerly Known as Boob out before I’m even asked to. No, Alice. The nurse giving you your travel jabs does NOT need to examine your breasts. Keep your top on.

Alice Purkiss

I know how clichéd it sounds, but when you’re diagnosed with cancer, you start to look at the world differently. From the moment they told me there were mutated, cancerous cells making a home in my boob and trying to kill me, my perspective shifted. I was no longer stressed out by work or trying hard to be the person I, or society, thought I should be. I stopped caring about what I looked like. My weight. The length of my legs. I couldn’t concentrate on being a good friend, daughter, girlfriend, employee, citizen. I had to concentrate on surviving.

When faced with my mortality, the worries I could do nothing about slipped away and were replaced with new concerns. Concerns about surgical risks. Worries about hygiene during chemo. Decisions had to be made about my treatment plan. Did I want chemotherapy first, or surgery first? Did I want to have fertility treatment? (Answer: No I bloody DID NOT want to have fertility treatment, but I did it for Future Alice, even though I don’t think she will want kids). Did I want to have a lumpectomy or a mastectomy? Did I want to have radiotherapy for the best possible reduction in recurrence rates? Would the treatment work? Would the cancer come back?

For the first time in my life, I had to make myself my priority. I didn’t have the time, energy, or space to worry about what my hair was doing. It would soon fall out anyway.

You will be stronger than you ever could have imagined.

You will be stronger than you ever could have imagined.

I live with depression. Have done for years. I take tablets to deal with the shadows. Sometimes, I go to really dark places in my mind. They’re the sort of places I don’t want to go, and sometimes they’re the sort of places I’m not sure I’ll ever make it back from.

So when they said the words “breast cancer” I was not confident that I had the mental strength to make it through what lay ahead of me. There were times when I didn’t have the energy to be anything other than a weak, snotty, tearful mess, but overall I surprised myself.

Some people called it bravery. Some people said it was inspirational. I know it was just a stubborn streak and belligerence. I was not going to let my breast kill me, nor was I going to let it stop me from living while I was going through the hell of treatment.

The time following my diagnosis has been the hardest thing I have ever done. But I was consistently surprised by the wealth of strength I found in myself. Even when I hit rock bottom – and believe me, there were times when I thought about giving up – somehow, I managed to pull myself out of bed, even if I only made it to the living room.

But I’m not altogether sure I can take the credit for this...

Georgia Devey Smith / Via georgiadeveysmith.com


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