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Billy Joel's Daughter Alexa Ray Looks Different Now

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That story and more in today’s gossip roundup!

Alexa Ray Joel, daughter to Christie Brinkley and Billy Joel, played a concert this week looking very different from the way that she used to and now people are FREAKING OUT about it. Opinions seem to range from "unrecognizable" to "sexy" and Fishwrapper points out that she "looks like everybody else in Hollywood now." Alexa's response? "It's called 'growing up'!"

Mike Coppola / Michael Loccisano / Getty Images

Anthony Mackie came out on Ellen as a dumpster diver:

Ian Gavan / Getty Images

If you haven't dumpster dived, you haven't lived… you drive by, you see a dumpster. Circle back, make sure nobody's looking. Go home, chill out, nighttime comes, you go back to that dumpster just look around, see what you find. One man's trash, another man's renovation.

You can always make something out of trash. All of my floors, I got out of a dumpster. My entire bar, I built with wood that I got out of a dumpster from a broadway show. My bathtub in my little guest situation, I got it out of a dumpster. It's a really nice tub.

Via celebitchy.com

Leighton Meester and Adam Brody kissed and the world swooned.

LUIS JR RODRIGO/RAMEY


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David Letterman Is Retiring From "The Late Show"

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UPDATE: After more than 20 years as host, Letterman said at Thursday’s taping that he is retiring in 2015.

CBS

On Thursday afternoon, David Letterman told his Late Show audience that he's retiring from the series he created more than 20 years ago.

"The man who owns this network, Leslie Moonves, he and I have had a relationship for years and years and years, and we have had this conversation in the past, and we agreed that we would work together on this circumstance and the timing of this circumstance. And I phoned him just before the program, and I said, 'Leslie, it's been great, you've been great, and the network has been great, but I'm retiring,'" Letterman said at Thursday's taping of The Late Show. "I just want to reiterate my thanks for the support from the network, all of the people who have worked here, all of the people in the theater, all the people on the staff, everybody at home, thank you very much. What this means now, is that Paul [Shaffer] and I can be married."

Letterman said there was no precise timetable for his retirement, but that "it will be at least a year or so ... 2015."

After his announcement, Letterman, whose late night career has spanned more than three decades, received a standing ovation from the audience in the Ed Sullivan Theater. He has been the only host of The Late Show, which he created on CBS in 1993.

When Dave decided on a one-year extension for his most recent contract, we knew this day was getting closer, but that doesn't make the moment any less poignant for us. For 21 years, David Letterman has graced our network's air in late night with wit, gravitas and brilliance unique in the history of our medium. During that time, Dave has given television audiences thousands of hours of comedic entertainment, the sharpest interviews in late night, and brilliant moments of candor and perspective around national events. He's also managed to keep many celebrities, politicians and executives on their toes – including me. There is only one David Letterman. His greatness will always be remembered here, and he will certainly sit among the pantheon of this business. On a personal note, it's been a privilege to get to know Dave and to enjoy a terrific relationship. It's going to be tough to say goodbye. Fortunately, we won't have to do that for another year or so. Until then, we look forward to celebrating Dave's remarkable show and incredible talents.


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Los Angeles Mayor Wants "The Late Show" To Move West

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Eric Garcetti asked the CEO of CBS to consider relocating The Late Show following news of David Letterman’s retirement.

Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti speaks at the 2013 Los Angeles Auto Show in California November 19, 2013.

Lucy Nicholson / Reuters / Reuters

LOS ANGELES — Following David Letterman's announcement Thursday that he would retire from his role as host of The Late Show in 2015, Mayor Eric Garcetti wrote an open letter to CBS CEO Les Moonves asking the network to consider moving a late night show to the city.

Dear Mr. Moonves:

As a longtime fan, I was saddened to hear of David Letterman's retirement. But as Mayor of Los Angeles, I am excited for the opportunity to encourage you to bring CBS' next late night show to our city -- the entertainment capital of the world.

I have made the entertainment industry a key priority for my administration. It's a critical component to our city's economy and identity. I created the Mayor's Office of Motion Picture and Television Production, and under the leadership of Ken Ziffren, we are aggressively seeking to encourage more production here in Los Angeles by cutting red tape, lending proactive assistance, and by furthering public policy to compete with the financial incentives offered by other states.

I look forward to speaking with you about the possibility of bringing the successor to Mr. Letterman's show to Los Angeles.

Sincerely,

Eric Garcetti
MAYOR

Los Angeles lost The Tonight Show in February when it moved production from Burbank to New York City under new host Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy Kimmel Live! is currently filmed in Hollywood.

LINK: David Letterman Is Retiring From “The Late Show”

12 College Of Charleston Students React To Their New President's Neo-Confederate Ties

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“The board of trustees disregarded the opinions and feelings of over 80% of the faculty, staff, and students when they decided to select Glenn McConnell as the next president of our college.”

FITSNews / Via fitsnews.com

On March 22, Lieutenant Governor Glenn McConnell was selected to be the next president of the College of Charleston in Charleston, S.C. The decision, made by the college's board of trustees, has been a controversial one.

Not only have community members expressed concern about McConnell's lack of experience when it comes to higher education, but students and faculty at the College of Charleston also take up an issue with his close ties to neo-Confederates. In addition to protests on campus and alumni threats to stop donations to the school, both the student government and the faculty senate unanimously voted that they have no confidence in the board.

Here's what 12 College of Charleston students think about Glenn McConnell's recent appointment:

Brandon Upson, class of 2013

Brandon Upson, class of 2013

"We are living in a never-ending episode of House of Cards. In this episode, the corrupt state legislature used the college's board of trustees as a tool to shove Glenn McConnell down our throats. I feel as though they had the process rigged from the beginning. They are playing a devious game of politics with the future of higher education, and I'm afraid that they will destroy my alma mater in the process. But, this is not an isolated problem. State legislatures across the country have too much power over public colleges and universities even though they are making enormous cuts in funding. The board of trustees is supposed to serve the best interest of the university, not the will of the legislature."

Ryan M. Milner

Stefan Koester, class of 2014

Stefan Koester, class of 2014

"If you visit our postcard-perfect campus, it would be difficult to know that troubles lurk below the surface, but the reality is that our college is being used as a barraging chip in a political deal gone bad. The state legislature has made it clear that they run the college now. First, they slashed our funding because the college assigned Fun Home, a book that explores gay and lesbian themes, then they began pushing an unwanted merger with another institution down our throats, [and] finally they pressured our board of trustees to elect a thoroughly unqualified and divisive man, Lt. Gov. Glenn McConnell, to be our next president. The system of political cronyism and good ol' boy politics is alive an well in South Carolina."

Abby Tennenbaum


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Harvey Milk Will Be The First Openly Gay Official To Appear On A U.S. Stamp

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The stamp will be released on Harvey Milk Day, May 22.

The stamp, which was revealed on Linn's Stamp News, features the colors of the pride flag and a black-and-white photo of the politician.

The stamp, which was revealed on Linn's Stamp News , features the colors of the pride flag and a black-and-white photo of the politician.

Via linns.com

There's A New Weird Dance Thing On Vine Called #Yeet And You Need To See It

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One magical six-second video has become a whole big thing.

The #Yeet phenomenon started back in February. But it didn't really pick up until a kid who goes by the name Lil Meatball made this incredible video.

vine.co

The vine has exploded in popularity, someone made a beat for it.

vine.co

Someone did one where Lil Meatball shoots a T-shirt at Paul McCartney.

vine.co

Vine superstar Terrio tried doing the dance.

vine.co


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Are You A Good Friend?

A Late-Night Phone Call Between One Of Syria’s Top Extremists And His Sworn Enemy

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BuzzFeed

ANTAKYA, Turkey — A rebel commander named Mohamed Zataar sat on a living room couch in the ancient Turkish city of Antakya one recent night, taking a short break from the war across the border with Syria some 15 miles down the road. He was eager to return. “There is a new battle starting,” he said, staring at the door. Instead Zataar, who leads a battalion of moderate rebels called Wolves of the Valley, decided to call his enemy from his iPhone.

He dialed the number for the shadowy jihadi known as Abu Ayman al-Iraqi, one of the most notorious men on the chaotic battlefields of northern Syria. Abu Ayman doesn’t fight for the Syrian regime. He’s a leader in the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, or ISIS, the al-Qaeda-inspired force that has upended the rebellion with its fanaticism and brutality — while also kidnapping Western journalists and raising global alarms that the foreign fighters who fill out its ranks will return to sow terror at home. Other rebel groups turned on ISIS at the start of the new year, sparking an internal war that men like Zataar, a former dealer of fake antiques who despises extremists, were happy to join. “We are fighting a war against terror,” Zataar said.

Someone answered on the other line, and Zataar asked to speak with Abu Ayman, whom he referred to as “sheikh.” Then he hung up, saying it wasn’t uncommon for the two men to speak. An hour later, Abu Ayman called back.

The long conversation that followed — full of threats and insults, religious debates and petty disputes — opened a rare window into an internal conflict that has changed the landscape of Syria’s civil war, as homegrown fighters try to wrest back the rebellion from the radicals who have increasingly defined it both inside Syria and abroad. The two commanders jawed at each other for more than 90 minutes, with Zataar putting his phone on speaker so this reporter could listen and record. It showed the battle’s strange intimacy, and the new confidence of men like Zataar as they fight to reclaim their turf.

The call also offered a unique and candid look at the mindset of ISIS at its leadership level, showing the group’s fear and isolation inside Syria — and above all, a deep-rooted suspicion of U.S. influence that makes ISIS see rival rebels as agents of America and its allies, sent to destroy them, and leaving little room for compromise.

“The West has understood the game. They won’t send anyone whose name is William or Benjamin. They’ll send people named Ahmed and Mohamed and Abdullah,” Abu Ayman told Zataar in his distinct Iraqi accent. “The American soldier is expensive, so they will use people from among us — and this is the truth of the battle, they will use you — in the fight against us.”

Like other ISIS leaders, Abu Ayman keeps a shadowy persona, releasing no audio or video statements and revealing nothing about his true identity. His nom de guerre simply means “Ayman’s dad, from Iraq.” He is the so-called emir, or prince, of the Latakia province, one of a handful of regional leaders who answer to the group’s top commander, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. The most senior figures in ISIS are thought to be Iraqi — and veterans of the insurgency against U.S. forces. Some rebels speculate that Abu Ayman sits as high as third in the organization’s Syria ranks. But beyond that, there’s only his reputation.

Among rebels and activists, Abu Ayman had “maybe the worst reputation” of any ISIS commander during the group’s surge in Syria last year, said Noah Bonsey, a Beirut-based analyst with the International Crisis Group. They accuse him of a special brand of savagery. He is said to have killed one well-liked moderate commander in cold blood last summer. Later, he allegedly tortured and executed another rival commander’s men, leaving their bodies by the roadside. When a local cleric was sent over to mediate, the story goes, Abu Ayman killed him too.

Abu Ayman’s notoriety is “symptomatic” of the group’s aggressive push for influence, Bonsey said, and its ruthlessness helped it overtake other rebel groups. It also imposed hardline Islamic law in the areas it controlled and kidnapped, tortured, and executed civilians.

“Abu Ayman, just for you to relax, I will let you know something: You are fighting people who don’t lie down before oppression,” Zataar said.

“Yeah?” Abu Ayman replied.

“And who will never allow anyone to subjugate one person from among the Syrian people,” Zataar said.

“To me, Islam is higher than the Syrian people,” Abu Ayman said.

“To me it’s the Syrian people, brother,” said Zataar.

It was the religiosity and brutality of ISIS that helped turn Syrians against the group, and when the blowback erupted in January, it came with surprising intensity. A broad cross-section of rebel factions has taken part in the war on ISIS, including hardline Islamists. But front-and-center is a new coalition of moderate rebels called the Syrian Revolutionaries Front, made up of commanders like Zataar — who considers himself one of the original rebels, fighting the Syrian regime from the start.

By his own admission, Zataar, 46, spent four years in prison for his business dealings, during which he continued his work and bought three new homes. He’d been free for a year when the uprising began and quickly formed his own fighting force — because, he said, “nobody can take the decision not to be involved in this revolution.” He had a brash and wind-blown air, wrapped in a black cardigan, his greying hair swept back into a thick, frizzy mane. He rested a big fist on the coffee table as he spoke, flipping a paring knife through his fingers.

“My dear Abu Ayman, listen to me,” Zataar said. “Let’s talk man-to-man.”

The two commanders clearly took the fight personally. Their forces had been engaged in bitter combat, and they bickered like hardened rivals, each with his own axes to grind, from stolen weapons to broken ceasefires. As Zataar spoke, two of his men leaned forward in their seats around the coffee table, silently nodding and pumping their fists — or when it was Abu Ayman’s turn, throwing up their arms in exasperation. The background noise suggested a similar scene on Abu Ayman’s side.

Zataar often seemed to be toying with his enemy, mocking him with his tone, trying to rile him. He skinned and ate oranges as the conversation dragged on.

Lamenting a broken truce in a village called al-Zanbaq, Zataar said: “You went into al-Zanbaq and took our horses, Abu Ayman, and went into our homes and took our clothes.”

“You listen to me — what horses?” Ayman said.

“Brother, I have genuine Arabic horses, and they took them,” Zataar said.

“Who took them?”

“You took them!”

“Do you see a hair of your horses here? We didn’t take them.”

“I got them back. No problem.”

“We didn’t take the horses!”

“Abu Ayman, just listen to me, you got into our houses, and checked them out, and took our women’s clothes.”

“This is not true!”

The two men then argued about the treatment of prisoners. Zataar accused Abu Ayman of executing one of his men — and of beating another, whom he referred to as Sheikh Ibrahim, and shaving his beard.

Abu Ayman discussed the matter with someone nearby. “The guy with me now knows Sheikh Ibrahim,” he said, and put the man on the line.

“May God be with you,” the man said.

“May God give you life,” Zataar replied.

“In the name of the one who raised the skies without foundations, I will say what I have seen with my own eyes,” the man said. He explained that while Sheikh Ibrahim had been beaten briefly by an ISIS fighter, “I immediately stopped him.”

“Are you Abu Mansour?” Zataar asked.

“I am Abu Mansour or another man, it is no difference.”

“Just listen to me, Abu Mansour. Our guys asked you to bring a Qur'an for them, but you brought a divergent version of the Qur'an.”

“God forbid.”

“Man, do not say God forbid,” Zataar said impishly. “I beg you just to be honest.”

“Oh Lord, this is a huge lie.”

“You brought them a Qur'an, and the guys discovered that there were mistakes in it.”

“Oh Lord, this is a huge lie. Oh Lord, this is a huge lie.”

“Didn’t Sheikh Ibrahim tell you that there were mistakes in the Qur'an?”

“We have foreign fighters — they may have brought Warsh’s version, which is different from Haf’s version. Our brothers from Morocco and Tunisia read Warsh’s version, if you know about versions.”

“I don’t know about versions,” Zataar said.

Later, Zataar offered Abu Ayman “a piece of advice from us to you: Kill any of us who you arrest, OK?”

“OK.”

“Even if you get me, I don’t have any problem with you killing me, because, Abu Ayman, we made everything clear, and in the war against you, we won.”

“Any one of us you see, kill them too, and if I’m the first to be caught, kill me,” Abu Ayman replied.

“Especially you, God willing, if we catch you, we won’t kill you.”

“Why?”

“I promise you.”

“Why won’t you kill me?”

“I will make you live among us for at least a year, so you will know who we really are.”

“A whole year — good.”

“And then I will release you to go wherever you want.”

“Good.”

“That’s a man’s promise, God willing.”

“Your generosity overwhelms me and makes me want more,” Abu Ayman sneered.

BuzzFeed

Zataar and his friends thought the call showed that Abu Ayman — like ISIS generally — had been shaken by their war. “When you deal with ISIS, you have to show them that if you scream, we will scream, and if you fight, we will fight, and if you kill, we will kill,” said one of the men in the living room, a seasoned fighter from Latakia who’d lost his left foot to a landmine. “Then they will respect you.”

The fighter had once been imprisoned by Abu Ayman — the return of his passport, in fact, had been the reason for Zataar’s call. Though no one could say with certainty that it was really Abu Ayman on the phone, the fighter recognized his voice. The only difference, he said, was that Abu Ayman now sounded afraid — and that if he weren’t, the fearsome commander would never have spent so much time talking to Zataar.

But another Syrian, a liberal activist, was chilled by Abu Ayman’s patience when he listened to a recording of the call — seeing the mark of a committed jihadi skilled at winning people over to his cause.

“Just listen to me: Let me see the truth about you. I might be mistaken, or you might have the wrong impression about me. Come and let’s meet,” Abu Ayman told Zataar. “We are people like you, and if you see us as mistaken, come and advise us and teach us.”

ISIS has long been reluctant to take on other rebel groups directly, relying instead on intimidation, coercion, and targeted violence. At the time of the call, in mid-February, the group was reeling from the offensive against it, and Abu Ayman suddenly found himself “in a delicate situation,” said Charles Lister, an analyst at the Brookings Doha Center. ISIS retains considerable strength in Syria, Lister added, but “in terms of their isolation, and the threat that has ramped up from all circles around them, they’re in a weaker state.”

ISIS withdrew from Latakia last month, part of a bid to shore up forces in strongholds elsewhere. Lister called this part of “a strategic decision whereby they feel it’s better to control 10 towns fully than to partially control 25. So in a sense they’ve consolidated their forces” — or in other words, geared up for a long fight.

“All the people are crazy, but only you are wise!” Zataar said.

He chided Abu Ayman for the use of suicide bombers, for the violence against local rebels, and for his hardline religious views. He also brought up the allegation, made by many rebels, that ISIS collaborated with the regime. “You came with a concrete plan to kill Muslims in the name of Islam,” Zataar said. “I am not telling you that you are mukhabarat [Syrian secret police], but no one treated Muslims as badly as you did.”

Time and again, on the other hand, Abu Ayman accused Zataar and his allies of being manipulated by foreign intelligence. “I am not saying that you have no relation to the revolution, but I am saying that you people have [foreign] friends, and you go to Turkey and sit there and listen to things that make God angry,” he said. “You sit with godless and faithless people, and strange things occur.”

Rebels in northern Syria get much of their supplies via Turkey and are supported by a combination of private donors and U.S. allies such as Saudi Arabia and Qatar. The U.S. government has also provided training and salaries to moderate rebels, along with some supplies — and the Syrian opposition has promoted Zataar’s coalition, led by the controversial commander Jamal Maarouf, as a group the U.S. should back with serious military support.

“Just listen to me: Is [Recep Tayyip] Erdogan, the prime minister of Turkey, godless and atheist?” Zataar asked.

“Yes, he is godless and an apostate,” Abu Ayman replied. “He does not rule in God’s name, but in the name of a fake constitution.”

“If Erdogan is an apostate, who in the world is not godless and is a Muslim?”

“From the presidents, no one. All of them are godless.”

“What about the people?”

“All the lands that were once ruled by Islam are Islamic countries, and the people in these countries are Muslims. But the men ruling them are godless.”

“You have no evidence that you have succeeded once in your life,” Zataar finally said, referring to ISIS and extremist groups like it. “In all of the countries where you tried [to take control], you failed, and the people hated you.”

“That was because of traitors and conspiracy,” Abu Ayman said.

Many of the radicals pouring into Syria see the fight as part of an historic holy war, pitting Sunni rebels against Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s Alawite sect and its Shiite allies. Abu Ayman also saw a struggle with America and the West. He drew on the example of Iraq, where U.S. forces supported a Sunni-led uprising against al-Qaeda during the occupation, paving the way for the election of a Shiite prime minister.

“I might get hit by a mortar and be killed, and you might live longer than me, but remember my words,” Abu Ayman said. “They [the West] will use you, and they will unite you with Bashar’s army, and with an interim government, and they will promise you seats in parliament, and such things — the same as they did with the Sunnis in Iraq.”

He continued: “The West will sell you cheap. They sold your grandfathers and our grandfathers. And for hundreds of years the West has been controlling us, and they keep these tyrants over our heads.”

Then he added with disdain: “As if it were us who committed the al-Houla massacre, or did the chemical weapons attack, or raped the women in Bashar’s prisons. You forgot about Bashar, and now you came to fight us in earnest, and in the end, you and the [Alawites] will hug each other. You serve this project without knowing. Your army and Bashar’s army will unify to ‘counter terrorism’ — which is us.”

Since Zataar and his colleagues took their orders from the U.S. and its allies, Abu Ayman reasoned, “You will kill us and we will kill you. We have no other options — either you cleanse us or we cleanse you, because the decision is not yours.”

“Good for you, Abu Ayman,” Zataar said. “This is the right decision. Listen to me, sheikh: These are the only honest words that you have said.”

“This is the only solution,” Abu Ayman repeated. “Either you cleanse us or we cleanse you, because the decision is not yours.”

14 Old School Photos Of David Letterman Looking Fine As Hell

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In honor of his retirement in 2015.

Maureen Donaldson / Getty Images

CBS via Getty Images

Donaldson Collection/Michael Ochs Archives / Getty Images

Ron Galella, Ltd. / WireImage


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Michigan Wants Full 6th Circuit Appeals Court To Hear Marriage Appeal

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“This case presents a question of exceptional importance.”

Jim Schaffer (L) and his partner Jason McIntosh stand in line with their adopted baby Norah as they wait in line for a marriage license at the Oakland County Courthouse, after a Michigan federal judge ruled a ban on same-sex marriage violates the U.S. Constitution and must be overturnedn in Pontiac, Michigan March 22, 2014.

Rebecca Cook / Reuters

WASHINGTON — The Michigan attorney general wants all 16 active judges of the 6th Circuit Court of Appeals to hear its appeal defending the state's ban on same-sex couples' marriages.

Normally, a three-judge panel would hear the appeal, with the losing party then having the option to have the whole appeals court reconsider the appeal — a process called an en banc rehearing.

On Friday, Michigan Attorney General Bill Schuette wrote, "The Federal Rules of Appellate Procedure expressly recognize that some cases are so significant that they warrant initial hearing en banc. This is such a case."

In part, Schuette argues, en banc consideration makes sense here because the issue is so important. Of the trial court decision, he writes, "This legal conclusion—that there is no conceivable rational basis for voting in support of preserving the definition of marriage—warrants this Court's en banc review."

Additionally, he notes that all four states in the circuit — Michigan, Ohio, Kentucky, and Tennessee — have bans on same-sex couples' marriages and all four states have brought appeals to the 6th Circuit over court decisions striking down either the bans on recognition of same-sex marriages conducted out of state or the full marriage bans. The potential for conflicting rulings, he argues, means en banc consideration "will also promote the swift and efficient resolution of this issue."

Read the Attorney General's filing:

The 19 Most Awkward Social Interactions Of All Time

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SMALL. TALK. AT. THE. HAIR. SALON. Inspired by this Reddit thread .

When people sing "happy birthday" to you.

When people sing "happy birthday" to you.

People are singing in my face and where am I supposed to be looking??

catsthatlooklikerumple.tumblr.com

Getting your hair cut and having to make small talk with the stylist.

Getting your hair cut and having to make small talk with the stylist.

What do I say? What do I EVEN SAY??

cyndiimorales.tumblr.com

Going to a party by yourself where you only know the host.

Going to a party by yourself where you only know the host.

Don't leave my side! Oh god.

foxsearchlightpictures.tumblr.com

When some asks, "So what's new with you?" and you literally can't think of anything to say.

When some asks, "So what's new with you?" and you literally can't think of anything to say.

"Oh you know, same old, same old!" melts into carpet Alex Mack style

realitytvgifs.tumblr.com


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Which Red Panda Are You?

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If you like snacking, napping, and causing trouble, you might be a red panda!

Rescue Workers Save Two Women — And Their Painting — From Deadly Mudslides

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“It was the least I could do,” said Randy Fay, who was among the rescue workers who performed eight rescues following the devastating Washington mud slide.

The Snohomish County Helicopter Rescue Team performed eight rescues following the deadly mud slides in Washington.

The Snohomish County Helicopter Rescue Team performed eight rescues following the deadly mud slides in Washington.

youtube.com

Among those saved were two women who were standing on the roof of their home.

Among those saved were two women who were standing on the roof of their home.

youtube.com

The women had crawled into the attic and onto the roof of the home, which was splitting. One had salvaged a painting from inside.

The women had crawled into the attic and onto the roof of the home, which was splitting. One had salvaged a painting from inside.

youtube.com

"She was purposeful in keeping that with her and she asked me if she could take it," said Randy Fay, a rescue worker. He retrieved the painting and brought it up to the helicopter. "It was the least I could do."

"She was purposeful in keeping that with her and she asked me if she could take it," said Randy Fay, a rescue worker. He retrieved the painting and brought it up to the helicopter. "It was the least I could do."

youtube.com


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Every On-Screen Death In "Game Of Thrones"

Talking To My Mother About Our Bulimia

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The conversation around eating disorders often centers on young girls. As adults still coping with bulimia, for the first time my mom and I talk about our progress, pasts, and enduring anxieties.

Christina Lu / BuzzFeed

I was 6 years old and 55 pounds the first time I got on a scale and decided that I was unhappy with what it showed me. Ten years later I started throwing up in an attempt to purge that same unhappiness. Being bulimic as a teenager was common, internally glorified among online communities that were eager to commiserate and offer support. Suffering as an adult — in scattered spurts, following a four-month stint in an outpatient rehabilitation program — is lonelier, much more silent. It is both born of and breeds shame, resistant to recovery.

My mother Linda has struggled with bulimia on and off since she lost her own mother and sole guardian at the age of 14. She was never silent about her anxieties surrounding eating and dieting, and I grew up as keenly aware of her body's fluctuation as I was her dissatisfaction with it. She is the one I called from Fordham University in the middle of my first semester, when I'd thrown up blood and decided it was time to come home; and she is the one who researched, checked me into, and attended group therapy sessions with me at Mather Hospital's treatment facility on Long Island.

As I near my thirties, I asked her to sit down with me because, though my mother and I are close, we rarely speak about our eating disorders beside an occasional check-in ("Are you taking care of yourself?") at the end of a phone call.

Linda: I'm going to be very frank and honest, and you're going to have to just deal with it.

Arianna: (Laughs) That's fine, that's fine. That's perfect.

Linda: You sure?

Arianna: Yeah, that's why I want to do this.

Linda: I don't want you to think, Oh, well, she's still suffering from this and she seems to be OK. The whole purpose of being a parent is to guide your children in a better direction.

Arianna: No, I mean, I wouldn't worry about that. Don't worry about that. Tell me about the background of when it started for you, your own issues with your body. I know you were heavy as a child.

Linda: Well, I was heavy until the age of about 14. I was heavy until my mom passed away. My weight loss came after my mom died, and I lost a lot of weight then. I started throwing up then. But I had a lot of other issues then too. But that was basically when the whole cycle started for me.

Arianna: And had you tried to lose weight before that?

Linda: I was forced — I was put on diets during my childhood and during my adolescence because I was so overweight. My mom was concerned. So she brought me to the doctor and he put me on a diet and that's why to this day I don't like certain diet foods, because I was forced to eat them at an early age. But that didn't help me lose weight, and I was ashamed, you know? I was ashamed of my body for my entire life.

Arianna: And why did you start throwing up?

Linda: I don't think — I don't have any memory of throwing up before my mom died. I was abandoned, right? And that's when it started. But it became a regular habit for me from that point forward. I was 14 and I remember it. And I lost a lot of weight, and I felt good. I was getting looked at by boys for the first time. I felt that if I was going to take part in life the way I wanted to, now that I was alone, I felt like I needed to be accepted and included, and you can't be that way if you're overweight.

Arianna: Do you remember the thought process before you did it for the first time?

Linda: No. You mean the day?

Arianna: Yeah, well, the first time you threw up. I'm just wondering what pushes that first step.

Linda: I think that for me, it was a process of cleansing, and it still to this day is a process, for me, of getting a feeling out of my body. I don't know if that makes any sense, psychologically. It feels like a cleansing, and... I know people say it's about control, and I feel like part of it is, but a lot of it had to do with just feeling when my mom passed away, I felt, maybe... I don't know, I don't know. I know I wanted to fit in, you know, my whole life kids made fun of me for my weight. They called me names.

And I started losing weight because I wasn't eating and I started feeling, oh, this is cool. This is a good way to start shedding these pounds, to stop feeling so self-conscious. When I was 15, bulimia was a very hot thing to do. It was very popular, along with taking amphetamines. It was just part of the world. And so I lost a lot of weight, and I felt good about myself, but then I gained it all back about a year later anyway, and I basically became a recluse. I didn't socialize. I didn't go to functions. My whole life has been up and down with my weight.

Arianna: Was there secrecy about it with other girls who were doing it? Was there any competition or pride surrounding it?

Linda: Never. No, that wasn't part of our culture.

Arianna: Have you been throwing up regularly since you started, or have there been long spans in which you weren't?

Linda: I wasn't throwing up for the entire time that I was raising you guys. It just resurrected six or seven years ago. Somehow along the line of becoming a mother and taking on that role, it was like I took a sabbatical on these unhealthy things. And I didn't throw up all those years. I never thought about it.

Arianna: So the urges weren't even there?

Linda: I mean, I was always self-conscious about my weight, but I just didn't want to... I didn't think about it.

Arianna: But you definitely still dieted.

Linda: I've dieted my whole life. Life is dieting. (Laughs) I've never not been aware of anything I've eaten. And that's why I hate to see you battling with food. It's a battle that food always wins. It's always a thought process, and it's a burden, a heavy, heavy burden, when you have to think every time you eat something.

Arianna: I have memories of Slim-Fast around the house, Weight Watchers.

Linda: Always. I did Shaklee Shakes. Does that name ring a bell? I had a supplier. (Laughs) But my diets always were... I did the grapefruit diet, I did the Atkins Diet, I did Shaklee Shakes all the time. I did Lean Cuisine. So, yeah, that just reminded me. I lost 10 or 12 pounds on the grapefruit diet after my mom died. Eat nothing but grapefruit, breakfast and lunch. I hate grapefruit so much.

Arianna: I know, I did the banana diet for like a week, which, I mean, isn't even a diet, it's just you eat as many bananas as you want all day and then you're allowed whatever you want for dinner. (Laughs) Bananas and bananas forever.

Linda: (Laughs) I know, I did the same thing. I fasted so many times.


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43 Of The Happiest Little Kids In The Whole Wide World

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