First question: Is it OK for a man to say, “We’re pregnant?”
Pregnancy is an exciting time for a couple, but it can also be a contentious one. Buzzfeed's parenting editors share their experiences — mom to dad — about some of the most debated questions of pregnancy.
“Is it OK for a man to say, ‘We’re pregnant?’”
Dad: Full disclosure: I probably said that once or twice back in the day, but I stopped when I saw how much side-eye I was getting.
Mom: Yeah, the physical act of being pregnant takes a huge toll, and men go through NONE of that. There are less cringe-y ways to announce you’re expecting a kid.
Dad: No, men don’t go through any of that, but those who are involved in the pregnancy play a large role in bringing the baby along, too. They support their partners, rub their backs, and even throw on pants at 3 a.m. to run out and get pickles and chocolate sauce!
Mom: And men have to deal with the stress of what their wife/partner is going through. I agree with that. But still, don’t say it, guys.
Dad: What do you think about saying, “We’re having a baby?”
Mom: We're having a baby is totally kosher, in my mind. We are BOTH having a baby. We are not BOTH pregnant.
Dad: But couldn’t a mom-to-be still say, “I’M having the baby. YOU’RE watching.”
Mom: Yeah, she could. Because it’s technically true.
Dad: Is how someone announces a pregnancy really such a big deal? I mean, who is being more annoying, the guy who says, “We’re pregnant?” Or the woman who checks him and says, “No, you’re not! I am!”
Mom: (Laughs) The woman is worse. But still, guys, just don’t say it.
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“Is it OK for a mom-to-be to expect her partner to stop drinking in solidarity?”
Mom: No, that’s stupid and unfair. But it depends on the couple’s relationship with drinking. For example, I don’t drink much, but my husband loves beer. It never crossed my mind to try to limit his beer.
Dad: I don’t think it’s out of line, actually. When you have kids you have to give up so much and take on so much responsibility that if you can’t stop drinking for nine months – if that seems like such a big deal to you – then I don’t see how you’re going to be ready for the larger sacrifices once the baby is here.
Mom: I can see how if a couple drank together frequently, and then the mom-to-be had to stop on account of being pregnant, she might be pissed. There should be a sense of solidarity.
Dad: Maybe it's about being sensitive to your partner. If a woman is chill about her partner’s drinking, fine. But if it bothers her, why wouldn’t he work with her to make her pregnancy easier to manage? Surviving raising a kid together is all about teamwork, and it’s hard, and you need to learn to ease the burden on each other or it ain't gonna work.
Mom: Yes, I agree with that. You have to make compromises no matter what, and this is an easy way to start.
Dad: Again, it's like who's being more annoying, the woman who asks her partner to stop, or the guy who says, "No way, honey! I loves me my beer!"
Mom: The guy is worse.
Dad: Exactly. And it's not like he can NEVER drink. If he’s out at a ballgame or at happy hour with co-workers, he can have a beer there. But he shouldn’t do it in front of the mom-to-be if giving up alcohol has been hard for her.
Getty Images/iStockphoto KatarzynaBialasiewicz
“Should men have a say in whether drugs are used at birth?”
Mom: My husband felt very strongly about a natural birth when I was pregnant. He wanted no drugs. He wanted no waiting for doctors. He wanted me to push when I was ready. He was the crunchiest hippie wife ever.
Dad: Did you do it?
Mom: I got an epidural at 9 centimeters. I tried, but when I was the one in pain and there was a needle there that could end the pain, I was like, “FUCK YOUR NATURAL BIRTH GIVE ME THE DRUGS!”
Dad: From my perspective, I don't really know how you can say to your wife, "I know you're about to experience the most physically painful thing a person can experience, but can you not take any drugs? ‘Cause it might be bad for the baby. OK, keep pushing! Be right back! Gonna get some coffee!”
Mom: Another interesting angle on this question is when a woman asks her partner to be her willpower against drugs. Like, “When I start screaming for drugs, don’t let me get them!” I don’t think that tactic would have stood a chance for us.
Dad: I think men need to step back and let the woman lead in the delivery room. And, for the record, if a man says, "We're pregnant" in the delivery room he deserves a junk punch.
Mom: (laughs) “We’re pushing! We’re crowning!”
Dad: “We’re at 9 centimeters!” No, dude, no.
Mom: In all seriousness, though, while I think saying, "We're pregnant" is lame because the man isn't literally pregnant, in this case the man is equally responsible for the child (it's half his) so he has a say. It's his child's well-being. For example, if at three months along a mom-to-be wanted a glass of wine, her partner would have the right to say, "No, that would hurt my baby." It's similar here.
Dad: So a dad's opinion should be taken into account too.
Mom: Yeah. I don't think it's totally crazy for a dad-to-be to be concerned about the baby being exposed to drugs at birth, but in the end, if the woman has made a best effort to accommodate her partner's wishes, she should have the final say because it involves her body too, not just the baby’s.
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