Living the single life, even when you’re not single.
Will Varner / BuzzFeed
But thousands of married couples around the world live apart for short or long periods of time, for a variety of reasons: School, military service, work, family commitments, and immigration issues are among the most common. Being apart isn't necessarily a sign that something is wrong — it can also mean that the couple is confident and committed. But that doesn't make it any easier when you come home after a long, shitty day and your spouse is 7,000 miles and 10 time zones away.
After I put out a call for stories about long-distance marriages via the BuzzFeed Community about long-distance marriages, I received more than 300 responses from people who have spent (or are currently spending) an extended period of time living away from their spouse. Many experienced frustration and profound loneliness — one woman said her and her husband's increasingly separate lives felt "like a string being pulled apart from two ends." But the stories I got were, almost without exception, incredibly hopeful.
Even though long-distance relationships have a (well-deserved!) reputation for being challenging, many said that being in a long-distance marriage was profoundly different from being in a long-distance dating situation. Instead of worrying about whether their relationship would survive, they focused on getting through it together. And nearly everyone I interviewed found more than just a silver lining to the experience — they found a stronger relationship on the other side.
Here are four of their stories.
Star, 27, Bloomington, Indiana, and Louie, 27, College Station, Texas
Will Varner / BuzzFeed
Star and Louie are high school sweethearts who have been together since October 2006. They went to the same college and got married in March 2013. They have been living separately since the fall of 2014 while Star completes law school.
Star: Going to Indiana University for law school was my dream since I was a little kid. I was applying to schools closer to where we lived in Texas; I toyed with a school in Dallas or San Antonio. But when I got into IU, it was the most obvious option for me since it was such a good school. I asked Louie what he thought about it, and he said, "If you get accepted, you go, and we'll figure it out." We'd done long-distance during undergrad for internships. By the time law school happened, we were like, "We can do this."
Louie: When we got engaged, we started seriously discussing the type of lifestyle we wanted. It was very obvious to both of us that in order for us to achieve this, we would have to make sacrifices, and distance was the biggest of them all. As prepared as you think you are, though, it still sucks.
Both my older brothers are enlisted service members. They are both happily married and their families make yearlong sacrifices when they are called for duty overseas. So my wife being in another state didn't seem like such a big deal compared to what our brave soldiers and their families do.
Star: We've both come to the conclusion that it's best that we're separated during this time. We went to college together, so we know what it's like to want to stay home, miss a class, or take a drive together. It would probably be really difficult for me to commit and do good work in law school if he were here. I would procrastinate. Plus, he really wanted to make a good impression at work and be available to them.
Louie: Almost every person I speak to about my wife being in another state for law school tells me I'm crazy. They cannot comprehend how much we trust each other, and they all used to doubt that we would make it. Since she's been in school already a year and a half, they [co-workers] are now recognizing and realizing that it is possible. They still think that I'm crazy for letting her go out to have drinks with friends, or that she is in organizations where she can be "surrounded by men." The only people that have been positive and supportive are our families, but even they have said that what we're doing is "unheard of."
Star: Right now, we see each other at least once a month, not including winter and summer break. Last semester, we were in a wedding in Las Vegas, and we wanted to save money, so we sacrificed seeing each other more so we could have a good time there. It was hard; we'd gone about two months without seeing each other.
When you're not together, how do you stay connected?
Star: Mostly by phone. We're not big fans of FaceTiming, but we just got into a Sunday morning ritual where we get on FaceTime and drink coffee together. We text throughout the day. I have a lot of homework and reading and sometimes it's really hard for me to talk to him because I'm in meetings or the library, so it'll be a short conversation, and that's kind of sad.
Louie: I make sure to tell her good morning every day before I go to work, and we talk for about an hour before going to bed.